To be poor, that is.
It all started with the pregnancy. Not only medical bills, but the aftermath of the breadwinner being grounded for months on end. So when I went back to work, I had not only current expenses to pay, but had to play catch up with every damned bill I owe. The end result of that is that I have no safety cushion at all. Still.
So now we are at the ugly end of the spectrum. I never prepared for what would happen if Evan were to be diagnosed with Asperger’s. I was just worried about him. And that my insurance would cover everything. It does. But when you pay a $50 copay everytime he sees someone, it adds up. I literally paid, between appointments and medications, over $700 in copays last month. It could be worse. I realize that. We could have not had any insurance. I could not make as much as I do. But the truth is that the $700 came from elsewhere in my budget, and now everyone is out for blood.
So now several accounts are passed due. And they all want their money. NOW. And work has cut down on overtime, so my pay is limitied to my base pay. It sucks. And I’m not talking about the gee-I-have-to-cut-down-on-spending kind of suckage. I’m talking about the oh-shit-are-we-going-to-have-water/electric/phone-tomorrow kind of suckage. I cannot stand it. I feel like I am on the verge of total catastrophe at any minute. I don’t like that I cannot just work my way out of tis one. That’s what I would normally do–work my way out of it. I would sign up for any little hour of work they would let me. I would let my coworkers know that, if they want to take a night off, I will gladly cover for them. I don’t take handouts. I work for everything this family gets. But this time, there is no work. There’s nothing.
I honestly do not see how people do this. I make good money. There are so many out there who make minimum wage and have the same life I do: kids, house, cars, bills. How??? What secret do they know that I do not? Maybe if I wasn’t taxed to death…Maybe if I wouldn’t have been on bedrest for the pregnancy…maybe if my kid wasn’t diagnosed with this crap…maybe, maybe, maybe.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry there are people out there without homes, without food, without medical care. I used to give to people like that. I used to be able to do so. Now? I am on the verge of becoming one of them. And I cannot stand it.