The schedule is getting rather overwhelming. Therapy once a week with the psychologist. Psychiatry every few weeks while we play with medications. In other words, every few weeks, Evan has 2 appointments in one week, always on different days because nobody’s schedule ever lines up so we can do it all at once. Thankfully, I have excellent insurance, but we are still paying about $500 montly for meds and appointment co-pays. I have to start a flexible spending account at work to try to offset some of this, but I want to save the right amount, so I am, as of right now, meticulously keeping track. This week, Evan was started on Celexa, the big-time antidepressant in the category with Prozac. This, of course, was added to his Adderall. According to the psychiatrist, it will mellow him waaaaaay out. The label tells me to watch for suicidal thought and actions, that these are most common in children and teens. So now I am worried for my son even more than before but we have to try something. Since we have started with the people at Children’s, it is almost as if the issues have gotten worse. More powerful and intense meltdowns. Aggression. Mood swings. And school? Terrible. I am hoping that it is because, with prodding from the psychologist and psychiatrist, deep-seated issues are coming to the surface. And for the past few appointments, Evan is meeting with the therapist alone. So he can speak freely about what is bothering him. And I wonder and worry about this, too, with his history of storytelling. But if it helps him, I’ll justt bite my tongue.
His teacher means well, and we have told her of the homework difficulties at night. Her solution was, when we couldn’t take anymore, to put the homework away and send her a note or email and she would make Evan complete the work the next day during recess. I mean, what kid wants to stay inside for recess when they could be out playing with classmates?
Evan. Evan would rather be inside and away from his classmates, even if it involves doing math or writing sentences.
Turns out that his status as the “weird” kid in class has earned him a place on the receiving end of some cruelty from the other children. One of whom has a father who works with me. I want to put those children in their place so badly that I cannot stand it. I want to go and belittle them, call them names, make cruel and uncalled-for statements and watch their faces contort with their tears for hurting my baby. Those little bastards. Those little monsters. I really want to hurt them as they have hurt and emotionally fucked my child, only to get in their faces in the end and ask them how it felt to be on the receiving end. To see how they like it. Can they not see the good in Evan? That he could be a great ally and a fun friend? But I won’t because I am an adult. I am a resonsible adult and I cannot do it. I realize they are just kids. But I hate them all for hurting him. I never thought I would say that about kids, but damnit, a mother’s love and a mother’s scorn are both some serious shit.
My child has gotten to the point where he avoids recess and lunch and anything else that involves a chance for these kids to torture him. Smart, smart Evan. Poor Evan. And I feel terrible because the only way he had of communicating this to us was to fight with homework so he would be punished by having recess taken away. It reminds me of the time when he was about 3. Everyday at daycare, he would call the same teacher a name. We couldn’t figure out why it was the same time of day and always with the one teacher. Turns out that he hated naptime and her punishment would be that he would get “quiet time” at his desk for the infraction, which meant reading books. Well, that isn’t a punishment for Evan, who has always read books. It took some figuring out, but once we did, and she stopped using this method of discipline, the name calling stopped.
But this isn’t about naptime. I have a hard time intervening in a behavior that he is doing as a defense mechanism.
So we go through this. Day in and day out, we go through this. I am hoping the continued therapy and the new medicine will help and that our name will quickly reach the top of the waiting list for our official evaluation so we can be doubly sure that this is what we are dealing with.
Incidentally, I came up with this today. There are tons of articles like this all over the internet, and it is kind of troublesome because it almost makes Asperger’s look like a badge of honor. It isn’t. But Evan has some very good company.
Famous People with Asperger’s Syndrome, Official or Suspected
Sir Isaac Newton
Hans Christian Andersen
Henry Cavendish (discovered Hydrogen!)
Satoshi Tajiri (Father of Pokemon)
George Orwell (Animal Farm, 1984)
Maybe one day, this will be a consolation for Evan. As in yes, he’s different, but look at all of these awesome other people who were, too.