Do you ever pause and think of your life as it is now and wonder to yourself if this is it? If this is how your life is destined to be forever?
In a parade of days filled with tasks–work here, paper due there, volunteer for the biggest kid’s school, pay this bill—I wonder this all of the time. I always have this nagging feeling that I should do bettter. Get the degree. Work more to earn more. And one day, it will all pay off. And I will be able to relax. To have fun with my boys. There will be no higher degrees to complete because I will have already done that. There will be no need to earn more because I will have already eliminated the word “debt” from our vocabulary. And then I will have this voice inside that will whisper, “Andrea, relax. You’ve done it.”
But then I will have days like today where I wait for that something more and it doesn’t come. Days when I just sit and wonder if this will be how the rest of my days will go from here on out. If that were to be the case, would I be satisfied? Could I be content with the events of my life? Could I allow myself to stop chasing? Has it all been good enough?
I have beautiful and amazing children. I have a career where I can literally say there are people alive today because of my work. I love my husband and he loves me. And yet here I am, waiting for some invisible point where I can finally enjoy these things. And the days march on. The parade is endless. It doesn’t stop for school concerts, or illness, or playdates. It doesn’t stop for romantic dinners, or laughter, or cuddles. It goes. On and on and on.
And me? I stay on task. I march to the beat and I secretly pray that I don’t run out of time.