>Baby Blues

>Before I even start to say what is that I want to say, let me start by saying this: I know I should not feel this way. I know I am just about the luckiest new mom on the planet. After a horrible pregnancy, I delivered a premature baby who was the size of a full-term baby. And other than a few mild bumps in the road, he had no physiologic impact of his prematurity. For this I am very thankful.

But…

I do not know what in the hell is wrong with me lately. My baby is 3 months old and I feel horrible emotionally. I burst into tears at the slightest provocation. And I literally feel jealousy toward other pregnant women, which I know is awful. So I have been doing some soul-searching lately to determine the root of my problem, since I am not generally a mean-spirited person.

I feel as if I was robbed. And despite the fact that noone wants me to have another child, my doctors included, I find myself wistfully looking forward to the day when I can have another baby. Because some part of me wants another chance to get things right. And I cannot tolerate the idea that it is all over for me. 2 days ago, I was organizing Zach’s clothes in preparation for the coming season change. And I came across a very small amount of things he has recently outgrown. As I folded them and placed them in the storage bin to be packed away, I wanted to scream. Instead, I cried, provoking John to ask me what was wrong. I tried and tried to voice to him how I was feeling, but all he could think was that we have this sweet, perfect baby boy and how could I possibly be sad? H couldn’t get that Zach’s outgrowing his tiny newborn things (really not even newborn things, but preemie sizes designed for babies up to 7 pounds) is just more evidence that it is all really over before I am ready for it to be.

So yes, that is the perfect statement–that I was robbed. I will never have the pregnancy and childbirth experience a woman should have. And I cannot blame the medical establishment or politics of obstetrics. This is all because of my own body. Hell, I haven’t even had the breastfeeding relationship I hoped for. Instead, I have to work for every ounce of breastmilk Zach consumes, and virtually nothing increases my supply while the tiniest little thing will make it drop even further. So yeah, I want to do it all again because I want another chance. Of course I know how illogical this really is. Another chance just means another opportunity for one of my pregnancies. They already told me it will happen with every child I have.

This all makes me wonder if I am suffering from postpartum depression. I don’t feel hopeless, can feel joy and enjoy my baby, so I think not. I think it is more just a delayed case of the baby blues. When I start to think that I should maybe find someone to talk with about it, I just feel silly. Regarding the breastfeeding, I keep wanting to seek out a group to join, but I am afraid there will be noone there who can relate to my experiences and it will just leave me feeling more bitter, which is the last thing I want.

Of course the few of you readers who followed my pregnancy blog or read it after the fact are probably disgusted with me right about now. I was so ready back then for it all to be over because I was so miserable. Now that it’s all is behind me, I’m complaining. Maybe I just never will be satisfied.

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2 thoughts on “>Baby Blues

  1. >I think you should talk to someone about this. Don't feel silly at all! Some times you just need someone to listen….they really don't need to say much. As far as the breastfeeding group, you would probably be surprised that you are not the only one going thru something like this. Give it time this will pass, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or needing help. I get the robbed feeling… Both my pregnancies were pre-mature. But you need to deal with the hand you were dealt the best you can. Keep you chin up! You created life, that makes you pretty awesome.

  2. >Feelings are never wrong, they just are what they are. You have to work through them at your own pace. I haven't any words of wisdom, just *internet HUGS* to give you a chuckle!

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